Debbie’s Blogster

Couldn’t sleep so I decided to come online to do some blogging. Havent done blogging in weeks! Maybe even months! It’s just something I gotta do to release tension. It just doesnt seem right! My life, that is. something isnt right somehow, somewhere. It feels sucky most of the time. When I get my ups, my downs come right after & is just as extreme as my ups.

It was great being back in Brunei… for the holidays for once, & not to go back to school…. Before I went back, it seemed like time had frozen and that when I go back, it would continue to be the same…. Obviously I knew that, in the back of my mind, that nothing was the same…. When my dad FIRST told me that I could go back to Brunei after my exams, I thought, cool! I’d get to see everyone including my best friend, Oreo…. As June was apporaching, I started to get more info abt my friends & stuff, that my schoolmates migrated, some transferred & a month and a half later, my dog, died. Everything turned upside down….. I knew then, that life was never frozen & that it wouldnt be the same when I got back to Brunei…….. I did however, look fwd to the trip back, wondering what it would be like.

I found out that, my dad had placed all the stuff back to where it was when I left, which mislead me to thinking that nothing had changed. Boy, was I in for a surprise. A whole lot has changed! One year being abroad has changed so much. Eversince my mom had this thing, the way the family worked all changed. I didnt know this. To me, I did what I normally did before I left for Singapore. Everyday, when I woke up, my sisters would be the one doing the errands and I’d be there like, clueless, not knowing what to say or do. I’d be like, I wasnt here a YEAR and so much has changed. By then, I regretted going to Singapore to study…

My friends, they changed also. But of course, u’d say, people change…. Easy for u to say… I never knew it was hard to accept….. People living their lives without u in it… After a year, u feel left out. Not knowing wat goes on in this small town anymore, who’s who or even what’s the latest news. It hurts deep inside.

What hurts the most is that I feel that I am no longer in the family loop. I dont know stuff that goes on with my family, who does what, where, when. I miss out on all the details….. I feel so lousy…. if u think i’m wallowing in self pity, then go away! Don’t read my blog…. I’m not in the mood for amusing ppl right now.

I had wondered what it’d be like when I went back to Brunei to visit my school, old frens, schoolmates & my dog. I wondered what it’d be like when I surprised them that I was back, especially Oreo. I wondered what their expressions would be like….. I cried my eyes out the whole 2 days after I found out about Oreo. It was just 2 months before I went back to see her.

I don’t know how to end my story, coz right now I feel bad…. bad that I left everyone back in Brunei, that I hardly kept in touch, that I dont know what to ask anymore to get news about what goes on in Brunei & most of all, I’m not there to see my lil sis grow up. In the past year, it seems like she’s grown more than I have. I feel like the lil kid & she was the big sister coz usually lil sisters tell big sisters what goes on in their lives, but somehow she doesnt. I only found out a few minutes ago that she was gonna have her holidays & it wasnt from her!! It hurts, it really does. That I dont kno stuff in my family till it becomes old news…..

Not only that, my results, because of all the playfulness & immaturity, I didnt do well for my exams. I’ve done so much wrong & barely any right. I havent spoken to God in like, a week eversince I saw my results. I cant bring myself to talk to God after getting such low marks….. People say that I’m a perfect-wannabe….but it doesnt seem right that I usually get A’s for my accounting, that I got all B’s for my recent exam & that a beginner, scored better than me!

I have lots of issues, but I cant seem to find solutions for them… everytime I try, a new problem arises…. It’s like, I’m stuck in a rut, lost & have no idea how to get out…. I’m going nuts….. blogging about stuff that means nonsense….. the world obviously does not evolve around me… so how I can expect it to?

This is my sad life…. I cant seem to appreciate what I have….. I dont know how…. I keep telling myself that I AM lucky to have lots of people in my life & yet I still feel like I’m not doing them justice. I feel like a lousy fren, sister, daughter…. Nothing I do seems right at this point…. I really need some time to rethink & get my thinking straight…. everything is in a mess…..

I used to laugh so much when I was back in Brunei, always so happy & never so down. But here, it’s like the Singapore culture is pulling me down… I seldom get to laugh, to talk to someone or to just enjoy the moment. I always think of being somewhere else when I’m here. Is this what loneliness is all about? Coz I dont like it one bit!

~dEbbie~

[Note: I have not blogged in a while coz I blog in chronological order.] Hahaha…. Lame excuse but yup! that’s my excuse, what’s yours? :p
Done so much but no time to blog them all YET. When I can get hold of a computer for long hours & not have a guilty conscience telling me to study or go eat or go to class.
So, yup! That’s it! Ciao~

~Debbie~